Shaadi ki Taiyaari

I am tired of saying this but this is yet another post from the archives as I just can’t gather myself to post what has been on my mind since a long time. This post is dedicated to the whole phenomenon of weddings (and not marriage which is a lifelong phenomenon according to our teacher) in our country, particularly focusing on hindus cause I have not yet attended any wedding in other religions.

But first I have to say that all characters, situations in this story are fictitious and any resemblance to any person/place living or dead will be just a coincidence.
It all starts with the ‘girl’ turning of age which is not any form of biological clock but the number of neighbourhood aunties pestering her mom to get her married. Earlier the reasons provided by the ‘girl’ to avoid the inevitable was that she doesn’t want to leave her parents home with which she is in too much love. Not a bad way to bargain for some more time to set her career right or ward of those aunties again who come up with proposals of some mausi ka beta of theirs who inspite of scraping through his studies is now earning handsomely.

Some suggest childhood friends, others suggest far off relatives (leading to cries of incest form those who don’t understand the tree of blood relations) and if none is successful the last resort is the Matrimonial Ad as the story of faked up dulhas are always doing the rounds. After the Ad is placed, next stage is the phone calls. Someone with a lot of patience is designated to receive them and creates a well organized data base of the prospective grooms (lazy people like me with horrible handwriting don’t even need an excuse to bail out of this job).

Most of the calls are indeed funny and a proof of the fact that change has skipped India uptil now. An ill timed quote I can think of is –“ Shakal se languur khane chala Angoor”. Then the short listing begins, computer experts armed with Kundli softwares are sought for. Any hints of the M word (Manglik ) are treated as outcasts. Further help is sought from those who can analyze those weird statistics of grahas and nakshatras. Profiles are scanned and prioritized. Someone in the family is impressed by looks, some by bank balance but then the adults use their discretionary power to vote for something as boring as education.

Then the reverse calls are made with care and precision of a bomb diffuser. Any mistake and the whole story could be over. After much more deliberation, a meeting is fixed at some upmarket restaurant near the boy’s home so as to cause the least discomfort to the his parents who as of now are more important to the girl’s family than anything else in the world. Till now, the boy is just kept in the loop and the girl has no idea of what is cooking. A night before the meeting the news is disclosed to the girl who somehow always has some important work lined up for the scheduled time but has to give in when the mother starts to shed those characteristic tears.

On the morning of the meeting, the whole house is woken up by the holy bells and chants even before its dawn. Chauffer driven car is provided to the girl for the visit to the beauty parlour so that she can hide those wrinkles and dark circles which are a result of her strenuous work schedule. The whole family is a bundle of nerves. No ‘abhshagun’ should take place. They arrive at the venue 20 minutes prior to the fixed time as the ‘father’ is least interested in getting stuck in the traffic jam and reach late to cast a bad impression.

Being on the groom’s side is like serving in a tennis match at 6-0, 6-0,5-0 (40-0). The boy’s parents are accorded a welcome befitting only to kings returning from a conquest. Frantic looks here and there confirm that the boy is not present as somehow an urgent meeting at office came up and he couldn’t miss it as it is post recession time and he doesn’t want to loose his job (take into account what happened when the same situation was for the girl). The fake smiles, ‘pairi-painas’ are circulated everywhere. Delicacies are ordered as if the ‘World’s Best Recipe’ competition is going on. Then begins the enquiry with the boy’s parents bombarding the girl with a 1000 questions, not waiting for the answer before blurting out the next one; more of like a stress interview for B schools, the only difference is that here it is her LIFE at stake and there is the added pressure created by the presence of her parents. Food is left untouched as hardly anyone is interested in eating. After the ordeal’s over, the boy’s father makes an attempt to pay the bill but that is against the basic tenets, so from this starts the vicious money circle for the girl’s family. The waiters who were on their toes throughout the time are paid a handsome tip and then the guests are seen off after they ask for some time to update the boy of the minutes of the meeting which is utilized in discussions with some good for nothing oldies as the boy is still busy saving his job from recession.
Wait for the next post to know what happens next. Is this really a fictitious story or ‘Kahaani Ghar Ghar ki’! I will leave this question for you to ask yourself.

Life Update: I kind of did have this premonition that something will go against the plans so all those Hyderabadi biryani plans I had been cooking since the last 6 months are futile as our team of Deloitte interns which usually goes to Hyderabad was split and me along with another friend have been allotted Mumbai. The story doesn’t end here as my friend from DCE who was supposed to go to Mumbai would now go to Hyderabad. The dreamy eyed boy in the City of Dreams, where is the need for reality?