End of a Dream

This one will be blunt, no mood for verbose eloquence. Since the advent of 2010, I have graduated from 'thinking but not doing anything' state to 'neither thinking nor doing' state. This is supposed to be my make or break year yet I have been idling around. I don’t know what I want to do as I always have more interest in taking out time for what is considered irrelevant and start hating it when it gains relevance but this time, it has been a complete blank on all fronts. This lack of effort is no way due to complacency but simply idiocracy. Its about not practicing what I am preaching.

The legendary idea I had been talking about since December is in the dump now as I just kept talking and didn’t make the effort to proceed on implementation, not even once and this February, people form Harvard seemed to have done something very similar. Now that it is gone, I am realizing how much it mattered to me. The excuse i gave for not scoring well was that it was irrelevant, but this wasn't, yet i goofed up. It will be futile to hope for a second chance from the one who never forgives and forgets. The repercussions of this ‘no-show’ go way beyond and might just be the biggest mistake of my life and lead to catastrophic damage, the quantum of which will be known in a month’s time when doomsday strikes.

Thank you Saurabh for playing the second biggest part after me in screwing this dream project, had you not been here, then I might just have learnt something, apart from copying your files. I am tired of using jugaad. Now when I ask for my share of work in a joint submission, I am welcomed with a banter saying,” tu rehne de”. This is not cause it is not in my capacity to finish it but they know that all I will be giving is an assurance not backed by any effort.

Before the impending doom it is better to get away from all those close around (no matter how low I have to stoop for it) who might feel bad about the promise I showed and what might actually happen as not putting up a fight is far worse and more pathetic than losing while competing and the rollback policy started way back in January or maybe way before that.
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What I am supposed to do is clear enough, as I am not brave enough to follow my dreams and I seriously doubt what exactly they are. The quest for redemption over the shady past is also not the guiding light. It is like knowing the illness, its damaging effects, having the medication in front of you and still not eating it, BTW this was how I screwed my midsems last September with a magnified version of viral as I thought I was strong enough to get well without them. I am running short on motivation, blocking all sensitive stimulus is also not helping. All the low moments of life which are well documented in front of my study table in my ever so pathetic handwriting which used to ignite a fire in me at one stage don’t even generate a spark now. No publicity for this post, no comments approval, no deshdrohi reference. Then what is the purpose of this post when the only one who could have done anything is me only. It is high time for me to lie low. Time for a sabbatical from the blog.